Questioning Myself

Questioning Myself

The following is a piece I wrote three years ago. It is one of my favorite personal written works because it deals with a subject that clouded my mind many times when I was little. I’ve read the essay every time I encounter it ever since and I never feel it’s outdated. The subject it covers is existentialism.

Is there really a point in life? Is there?

I started to question myself everyday, every hour, every second, was life really worth it? Every single day. These thoughts began when I was about 10 or 11, in 6th grade. But, don’t get me wrong, I would never want to kill myself, but I just didn’t get it. I started questioning my existence, everyone’s existence, where did we come from? Are we living, or are we a part of someone’s dream? and then the worst, heaven, or hell? Up, or down? What I feared the most was dying and living in eternity.

My thoughts were constantly on existentialism, my life made no sense and I began to get agitated, disconcerted, and the term, “being” stopped mattering to me. I changed my perspective about life for a while, I didn’t want to talk to anyone nor be with anyone. Looking at the happy human beings disconcerted me, why weren’t they worried? I began asking people about it, where they thought we would go after life, but of course, none of the answers satisfied me, nothing was certain. Then I tried to do everything possible in order to not sleep because when sleeping, I didn’t know who or where I was. Every night I lay in bed and took like an hour to finally fall asleep.

All of this stopped me from being a happy human, it was an obsession, but the thoughts couldn’t be evaded. Each day my mind scared me more until eventually I decided to try and forget about it. But it wasn’t the best idea. Each time I thought or saw the word death or anything related to it my stomach would ache. I began to pray every night but I didn’t believe in what I was doing, so it didn’t work either. That chapter in my life wasn’t closed yet. My solution was to come up with a theory and what calmed me the most was thinking that we’d go nowhere after dying, just turn into energy. But I knew that wasn’t what I really believed but I just let it go.

Some time after that, there were days in which I was so happy to be alive that I felt stupid for wasting my time thinking about things that no one, not even superman could control. About every 13 seconds a person dies, every day there’s people dying, and also people being born, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard a bad critic about being dead. So, how bad can it be? I’ve heard some people say that this world is their hell, so maybe death is their heaven. It really can’t be that bad.

 

I’ve travelled to so many places by now, and met so many faces that now I couldn’t care less about what comes next. Thinking about “the after” is currently something I do to occupy my mind, and I’m fearless about it. Finding a point in life makes no sense now, because we, want it or not, will never find it. There is none, and wasting our time thinking about it will just cloud up our days and avoid us from living and enjoying moments. So, make the moments last, and take them to the maximum because it may be the last, and maybe it’s the best life we will have. All that I know is I’m breathing, and I can live with that.

Reflection:

Years after writing this I still feel the same way. Ever since, I haven’t had those questions I used to have in a way that depresses me, rather when I think about them it gives me space to think of my current position in life. When I was little, I used to get a deep feeling of anguish and distress when thinking about those matters. Today, I ask myself every week at least the same questions but as a way to analyze myself.

When I wrote this, I was not sure of my religion or what I thought about the afterlife. Today, after talking with enough people and reading the book that changed the way I perceived things, “Muchas vidas, muchos maestros” by Brian Weiss, I am set with my belief. I believe in reincarnation and that we are the Gods of our lives and our future lives. We come here, to this Earth to learn, not history, or math, or science, rather principles and about ourselves, (of course those subjects are part of the learning).

We come here to understand ourselves in order to be able to help others do the same. We come here to learn to forgive and love, to feel, and to feel deeply. We come here for experiences. We come here to find the missing pieces of our souls.

For all these reasons, the sad periods of my life, the periods of intense griefs reach a bottom. I cherish my sufferings because they let me feel and experience. I appreciate my mistakes because they make me grow. I do not give up, and will never do, because I know this life is my opportunity to become a peaceful soul.

I hope today, that in future years, two more perhaps, I’ll revisit this essay once again, reread this reflection, and add further beliefs into it. I hope in two years I will acquire more learning and beliefs based on faith to deepen my spirituality.

I wish to learn more and more about myself, because that is the basis of peace for one and for all.

Today I look with love towards that little afflicted girl who felt tormented with those thoughts. This so, because she initiated the beautiful process my mind has gone through ever since.

I look for peace of:

Body, Mind, and Soul

 

Published byColomba Dumay Neder

My name is Colomba and I was born in Santiago, Chile. Although I love Chile for its landscapes and for hosting my roots, I will always have the urge to get away and discover the rest of the world. Accompanied by photography, I will be showing what I see, and creating beauty to my eyes. I will be writing exactly what comes out of my conscience because to me it makes sense, and hopefully it will to you too. I'll try my best to explain what I mean, because if I am sure of what I'm trying to say, I can for sure convey it. This blog will be about my journey (physical and spiritual) through life.